Essay on Babies Back Forward



I think babies are gross.  I see them as really fucked-up versions of human beings.  One time I was walking around town with this girl and she told this couple that their baby was adorable and under my breath I said, “I think your baby is ugly.”  She said, “Why did you say that?”  I said, “They didn’t hear me, whatever.”  I was kind of dating that girl but now I’m not.  That was a while ago.  I was born the night before Thanksgiving in a year that happened many years ago.  The next day the newspaper put my newborn baby picture head in the spot where the cartoon head of a turkey should be.  I felt degraded.  Just kidding.  I didn’t care because I was only a baby.  I remember seeing my twin cousins as babies in the hospital and I think that’s the only time I felt ok with babies existing.  When I was born as a baby I was sick and premature and they put me in a plastic thing that protected me from all the evil shit in the outside world.  I can remember it clearly as the day I was born.  Just kidding again.  My mom tells me that I was all about my brother being born and that I loved him even as a baby, which seems strange to me now, because I feel that I love my brother more now as an adult than I ever could have as a baby.  I remember feeling ambivalent toward the birth of my second brother.  I didn’t understand why it was necessary for there to be three of us.  My mom says that her parents were supposed to have a baby before she was born.  It was going to be a boy named Hank but Hank died before he could be born.  My mom says she almost named me Hank.  I’m glad she didn’t.  I don’t know how I would feel about being named after a dead baby.  Also, Hank is kind of a dumb name.  One time I had sex with a girl and the condom slipped off and we didn’t realize it until after.  She took the morning-after pill the morning after.  A different ex-girlfriend told me that she thought babies and the idea of a family was a weird thing but she wouldn’t mind having that with me and I didn’t say anything in response.  She said something but I don’t remember what.  I’m pretty sure we slept facing opposite directions that night.  I’ve thought about donating sperm to a sperm bank when cash was low, but I feel like who would want that?  Who would want my child inside them?