Youth Hotel

In Gosha Rubchinskiy’s black-and-white
photograph from his series
titled Youth Hotel, I am standing
in the background. What you see is
a blur and my face, slowly turning.
I am watching the low stage
before me. I am standing behind the boy
gazing into the gutter of the photograph.
I don’t know him. But his body
is filling slowly with light. His gaze
is aimed at something
not inside the room.
I want to know where desire
comes from, and what is it
made of. Death, but also
something that is still alive
and childlike. His face is radiant
with longing. But, also sorrow.
He knows he cannot have
what he wants. Or that
what he desires might destroy him.
I am alone most of the time
but sometimes beautiful,
unafraid and with music.