1

I was born in the fall
and that redfaced white man who looks angry in my little window
in the door
is my boss and he was born in the summer
and the odds are
that whatever ugliness there is
that the house you were brought to
from the hospital as a baby
had candles
a snow shovel
a silver chain a woman wore for years
beautiful things
and you were born in december
which I thought was a beautiful word
even in the linkin park song I listened to
when I was thirteen
I can’t say that my father ripping
the linkin park cd from my hands in Costco
saying ‘you have three of those’
turned me into an indulgent adult
I can only say
be careful with your children
even at Costco

2

when I was little my grandparents ran a delicatessen
on lexington avenue

the radio was frozen on sade
and r.e.m.

I was truly relaxed

there was a black nurse who put gummy bears on her sesame chicken
a chinese woman brought me books

I get the thrill now
of giving books to a strange little girl in a deli

3

while my grandparents were on line at Costco
my grandfather bought me pizza at the food court

only me
not my little cousins
waiting at the house

my grandfather is dead
I think he’s going to be the one
to pick me up when I’m dead

there was a time when the samples at Costco were better
when you put on a eurotrash song
I danced
like a water nymph
splashing in the air
now standing windowside
watching the moon
is a dance

4

I like chain stores
I can be anywhere in the country
and the layout will be the same

just like me

5

it’s been on my mind to call my grandma
but all the times
I didn’t call her
rise up in my throat

cooper doesn’t like living in poverty

but poetry is luxurious

as a fox coat
a vacation in the maldives
chopin and oolong
a british man in shanghai

like the anorexic girl who showed me
how to hold an imaginary
turkey sandwich
and taste the taste in my mouth
in sixth grade

I’m only worried about
what my mind
can’t do

6

I do know what I’m doing

I’m a knight
on a fat white horse
journeying through the countryside
with a knapsack
of bread and fruit and cheese

I’m a heaven

I’m a eurotrash song
playing at a café
on the bay
of kotor

the balloon of a cat nodding
to the beat

7

in high school I took the bus to columbia
to the schizophrenia lab
a taiwanese scientist
became my mother
she made me special dishes every day
packed into tupperware
her peanut sauce was zingy and supreme

when I went to college
I never spoke to her again

occasionally I see her
online
and only god knows it hurts me

8

when I see genevieve
a girl I went to school with
online
as her husband carries her across the threshold
into her new house
in the snow
in white plains
in her camel coat and black hairband and blonde hair
and then a few months later
her pictures of a baby
wrapped in a soft blue blanket
I feel like a peeping tom
like I’m staring
through the curtains
of their bedroom
I decide I won’t post pictures
of my baby
maybe just a tuft of hair
peeking over
the top of a table

9

when I have a family
we’ll go to Costco
I’ll turn into the person who walks past samples

cheerful and industrious loading boxes of stuff
into my suv
suffering will sound as jarring and endearing
as an nsync song
bopping my head I’ll forget the wilderness
baby screeching in the back
I’ll be screeching
“baby bye bye bye”