FLOAT;
. . . and where they finally took me . . . was to . . . this big, swirling field of
what I might call . . . stillness and darkness and silence and solitude and . . . the original dream of . . .
but . . . there’s this sense . . . that . . . magnetizes us down into our deep . . . down in the depths of the
earth’s dreaming . . . and the emptiness at the center of our own hearts . . .
and there are these two figures . . .
one of them is this man who seems very . . . analytical and calculating . . . and he’s studying every
angle of this . . . swirling . . . sort of . . . hole . . . it’s not the void but it feels void-like . . . and . . . he’s
trying to figure it out but he’s stuck spinning in the mind . . . and this other figure is this ... woman
. . . who looks really fearful and hyper-vigilant and . . . has this terror . . .
like she would have . . .
if she was to be able to . . .
move
. . . and it’s turning into this almost stagnant
. . . place . . . of feeling like you’re in this chronic . . . depletion . . . unable to be sort of liberated back
into the fullness . . . the authentic stirring . . . rising up
. . . I’m being taken somewhere else . . . a lot of images are coming at once . . .
I’m being taken to this place . . . that’s sort of a little bit . . . child-like but also like this . . . jungle . . .
there’s this quality of wilderness . . . I wouldn’t be at the top of the food chain . . . that kind of feeling
and . . . there’s these . . . monsters . . . creatures with huge mouths . . . but then
as I come close to them I see that they’re dancing . . . and this little . . . child . . . is leading them . . .
with a certain abandon . . . almost like ritual combat . . .
. . . I’m approaching cautiously . . . because these monsters look pretty
fearsome . . . and . . . this little . . . child seems to have pretty good hearing . . . because . . . they hear
me approach and they . . . turn and look at me . . .
and . . . they’re now sitting on one of the monster’s shoulders . . . looking down at
me . . . but I’m asking if they can tell me a little bit . . . I’m wondering if you can tell me a little bit
more about what brought you here . . . like why did you decide to . . . she just says . . .
. . . walk on eggshells isn’t quite the right word . . .
. . . and it’s funny it’s like they were appearing very genderless at first and now when they say this
there’s this sense of them being a little girl . . .
but it was like . . . they were very sensitive and open to the . . . unexpressed
grief . . . that it feels like . . . their father carried . . . and the very turbulent . . . sort of expressed . . .
emotions of their mother . . . these cycles and ebbs and flows . . . attuned and cautious and careful . . .
measuring and managing . . .
it was too much
. . . it’s almost like she just left her bedroom . . . she’s wearing this long . . . this big oversize
shirt . . . and her hair is really . . . full of twigs and sticks and leaves and . . . her face and cheeks are
flushed . . . full of . . . being alive with a body on the earth . . . no matter how other people are
showing up . . . not needing to be so cautious or caring . . . about how her actions impact others . . .
hide or shape or carefully adjust . . . to make others comfortable . . . but really . . .
so now we’re . . . a little bit more into this . . .
there’s this . . . it feels like this young . . . person . . . this young . . . boy . . . that’s just
. . . sitting up in this high peak . . . almost a tower . . . and he’s observing everything below . . . and he
has this deep . . . this methodical nature . . . a-to-b-to-c-to-d . . . like . . . I’m going to figure it all out
. . . do it exactly right . . . it’s this intense feeling of weak-heartedness . . . underneath all of the
planning . . . methodology . . . the investigation, curiosity . . .
. . . I’m not
. . . of not being good enough to be in . . . intimate relationship . . . there’s this
sense of . . . I have to figure it all out before I engage because . . . it’s not safe to just . . . rest into my
own . . . trust my instincts . . . I have to carefully use my mind to . . . be able to relate . . . and um . . .
I’m going to sit down next to him in this high place . . . where he’s overlooking the . . . and . . . I say
hi to him and he says . . . hi . . .
. . . so I’m sensing . . . what does he need to be . . . in the thick . . . and he really needs . . .
there’s this . . . actually before I can even really . . . there’s this eruption coming from the tower . . .
something climbing up the side and so we look down and we see this huge . . . and it leaps up and
flies . . . scooping the boy . . . and the boy is terrified but we’re just . . . riding . . . slowly he’s starting
to enjoy it . . . starting to see . . . suffused . . .
. . . those larger dream lines
. . . but not with the mind . . . not with . . . analyzing with the mind . . . dominating and
controlling the heart but . . . a skillful tracker . . . of the heart . . . the heart’s wisdom . . . the mind put
in service of the heart . . .
and what’s happening now . . .
is this . . . this beautiful black . . . iridescent . . . deep . . . black . . . with these . . . purple and gem-like
tones running through . . .
. . . is saying . . . it’s not just order that’s important . . . but . . . that flow . . . between order and chaos . . .
helping him to . . . move into risk . . . to be with . . . the unknown as a game . . .
joyful . . . the way kids do . . .
✦ This poem was constructed from a recording of a session with the healer Langston Kahn